The primacy of parenting
There’s a sobering account in the book of 1 Samuel that warns us about a laissez-faire approach to parenting. It involves priests skimming the till and even sleeping with parishioners - while on duty. It’s uncomfortable, and when God finally steps in with harsh judgment, we are left to wonder at both the parents’ inaction and ultimately God’s. Why does a good God delay His immediate response to abuse, perversion, hypocrisy and injustice? Especially in a place where we all expect truthfulness, piety and safety?
Here’s how the story unfolds:
Eli’s sons were wicked men; they did not respect the LORD or the priests’ share of the sacrifices from the people. When anyone offered a sacrifice, the priest’s servant would come with a three-pronged meat fork while the meat was boiling and plunge it into the container, kettle, cauldron, or cooking pot. The priest would claim for himself whatever the meat fork brought up. This is the way they treated all the Israelites who came there to Shiloh... Now Eli was very old. He heard about everything his sons were doing to all Israel and how they were sleeping with the women who served at the entrance to the tent of meeting.1
Eli knew.
What kind of parent knows the evil a child is doing and doesn’t step in in a timely fashion to stop things, protect the family and others? A bad parent, that’s who.
A pandemic of bad parenting
It’s exactly what we see in our culture today. Not only do we have to deal with helicopter (or stealth bomber) parents running interference for their irresponsible children, but we witness daily the ugly devolution of humanity as permissive parenting allows families to sprint over the sides of cliffs, past boundaries of biology, history, rationality and morality.
Parenting is a responsibility that is founded in leadership. Parents must lead their kids, not allow their kids to lead them. There’s a significant difference in mental health between a child-centered family and a family-centered family.2
Parenting well qualifies you for leadership
Not leading your children is a disqualifier for leadership in other areas of life. One of the requirements for spiritual leadership in the church, according to the apostle Paul is faithful leadership in the home.
When speaking to Timothy (a young church leader), Paul said of aspiring leaders:
“He must manage his own household competently and have his children under control with all dignity.”3
A lack of active parenting reveals a lack of love. It indicates a heart that would rather not rock the boat rather than one that is willing to steer the ship. One cannot pilot the parenting ship in an arrogant or apathetic indifference to dangers. (Think Titanic)
Families today - whether nuclear or single parents - must step purposefully into protection and preparation mode. Not everything your child or teen wants is healthy or beneficial for them. How many children do you know that reflexively choose broccoli over candy? We cannot abdicate our parental leadership to our children even though the intensity of their feelings is disheartening or their demands persistent.
There’s a reason why the Proverbs are FULL of instruction to parents (and comfort as well). We cannot choose our children’s morality, and even the most patient, wise and God-fearing family will see rebels and reprobates.4 We can make choices that lead our children and teens down paths that will prepare them for adulting and nurture their character.
The current cultural craziness has no foundation in morality. Parents are sacrificing their kids on the altars of trendiness and self. Parents must be encouraged to re-embrace parenting as a godly gift and holy calling. We must see parenting as lovely stewardship and humble leadership. Both are “-ships” that need pilots. And children and teens don’t belong in the wheelhouse too soon.5
For the Christian parent, let’s zoom back out for a broader, spiritual perspective. It’s not Disney’s fault these days. We have a real enemy, and his name isn’t Mickey. It’s Satan. He and his minions delight in destroying the ultimate center of human relationships and flourishing- the family. Yes, they’re coming for your kids, but no, simply canceling a subscription isn’t leadership.
What steps can I take now?
You may be nodding in agreement. Your stomach may be in knots with the realization that you have not been leading. Instead of ostriching, may I suggest some “next steps” for you as a parent?
Equip yourself. Every expensive appliance, tool, or computer comes with an “owner’s manual.” We brought our babies home from hospitals, and many of us are still in the “winging it” mode.
Ask your church to provide new parenting classes that are biblically-based.
Follow Jesus in intimacy yourself so that what you teach comes from a full and not empty heart. The older your children get, the better their B.S. detectors become. If you’re not following Jesus and adoring His Word, the truth will bleed out.6
Familiarize yourself with resources that will help you lead your family well. Of course, the Bible is best, but you’ll want the wealth of others’ experiences as they have navigated raising kids and teens.
Mamabear Apologetics (our church is bringing them in this fall and next spring for parenting conferences!) - they have two fantastic books that you should order today
Growing Families website - they have wonderful parenting tutorial videos and books. My wife and I are believers in their Babywise and Childwise books.
Commit to re-parenting. Start leading today. It is not too late to recommit yourself to the highest human relationship task! Nurture your kids - no matter what age. Lead your children away from danger, but leading is not just avoiding bad things. It’s embracing good things. Lead your children to know and love God. That starts with you.
Leave a thought or comment or prayer request
I’d love to hear your own thoughts. If you’re aware of other helpful resources, mention them in the comments. If you’ve got a question, I’ll attempt to answer or at least point you in a direction for resources.
1 Samuel 2:12-14, 22
Even psychologists urge families to make family-centered decisions rather than seeking to just please a child’s/teen’s demands. See Psychology Today’s The Failure of Child-Centered Parenting.
1 Timothy 3:4
Jesus told a parable about a great dad with two lousy sons. We tend to focus on the “prodigal,” but the older son was quite a tool as well. We see no indication in the story of anything but a nurturing, loving home. When kids come of age, our best efforts and lives of humble parenting are no guarantee for their morality or spirituality. Each child must pledge their loyalty to self or to God.
There’s an excellent article here: Six Ways Parents Destroy Their Children Without Trying in No Greater Joy Magazine that points out “You are best suited to the task of training your children when you work under the assumption that they are destined to ruin unless you get proactive and do some things much better than the average parent.”
There’s a helpful starter article about Christian parenting at Desiring God: Three Essentials for Christian Parenting.
There is a blog post called Biblical Womanhood, so very very good and biblical. laurjohn1.wixsite.com . Also one called The Transfomed Wife, also totally biblical . The Tranformed Wife @godlywomanhood. And Courageous Parenting..
Amen, Amen, Amen,,, Parenting is not for the faint of heart,, it is only possible in the strength and grace and power of Christ, and His Word.. , we are called to Fierce Parenting,, Bold Courageous parenting to go against a culture led by satan to steal our children and grandchildren from us, and we must fight in prayer and in the Word, and with good biblically based parenting books and with godly Biblical counsel from Gods Word as to how to parent. Once parents, always parents, it doesnt end when they grow up and leave home,, my kids are in thier 30s and I am still very much parenting them, not the same way of course as I did when they were under our roof,,, but in a different season of giving advice when sought after, and godly Christ like example , and I am now a grandparent, which is a whole different season of godly Biblical example of Christlikeness to my grandchildren.. In this season I think what Ive struggled with the most is the courage to wait upon the Lord and trust in His perfect timing and will and purpose in the decisions my kids make, and not jumping in immediately to try and "fix" things... its hard,, but they are adults now,, . I am so very very thankful that my children and I have a good relationship, and I worked and fought hard to have a good relationship with them that my parents and I never had. So they do listen to my counsel, they may not always heed it,, but they do listen, and we enjoy being together, and now I get to enjoy my grandbabies!!!! And I pray daily, that the Lord will use me as a godly Christlike influence upon my grandchildren for the gospel...